So why is this website still in progress almost a year later?
If you are looking for a quick answer, I'm not in the mood to give it to you as I want to recap mostly everything that has happened this year and subject it onto you! :D
So for starters, it has been a crazy year for me. I blame that it's the year of the horse and it's a Tai Sui year for me.
To give a very fast recap of what that means: The Chinese Zodiac is made up of 12 animals in a 12-year cycle. So depending on when you are born during the cycle makes you that animal. But also, that year is that animal, which also affects what goes on. For 2026, it's the year of the horse. So anyone born this year will be a horse, but also everyone will go through what makes this year a horse, with certain different things depending on what zodiac you are. But mainly, the year of the horse is a very fast-paced year with rapid changes and opportunities. And for Tai Sui, it's very complicated and I'm not going to explain it all, but the type of Tai Sui I'm dealing with is being the opposite zodiac of this year's zodiac on the 12-year cycle. Which makes it a direct clash of the horse and the rat.
People do mistake this as bad luck for a few reasons, though, especially because this clash causes an amplifier of energy, which makes the horse's fast-moving energy slam into the rat's slow, strategizing energy, causing friction as they are so different.So because of this, the rat usually experiences the most disturbance from this, while other zodiacs experience different levels of the horse's energy.
So for it being a horse year with the rat being the opposite zodiac, it's a more extreme, fast-paced year with tons of rapid changes and opportunities for the rat. Which isn't a bad thing, but in some ways not fun, especially as I'm a rat and do feel like I meet the traits of being a rat, which, like I said, is a slow strategizer. Which doesn't go well with a fast year with tons of rapid changes, so it just gets overwhelming.
Do note what I listed above is a very fast recap missing a lot of information, and also I'm not an expert on this, so especially don't expect accuracy. I just grew up around some Chinese culture and the Chinese Zodiac always stuck with me. I take them seriously to an extent as certain things just line up so well, like how this year has affected me. But also not, it's just something fun for me. So take what I said above as how I interpreted the Chinese Zodiac.
So you are now probably either more curious about how this clash has been affecting my year and this website, or you are getting annoyed with my ranting. If you are the latter, then I recommend getting off my website as there is a lot more of it.
So starting at the beginning of the year—and I don't mean January, I mean February. As I'm referring to the Chinese New Year, which falls whenever the first new moon is, so between January and February. This year it fell in February. Technically, the start of this kinda started just slightly before the new moon. But in January, maybe slightly before too, I can't remember, I started having my hip hurt more than usual. I was born with a hip deformity that is hip dysplasia. Since I started walking it would hurt off and on, but I had just gotten used to it. Until this January, where it just was hurting more than usual, just felt off, and was making popping sounds. So yeah, I see my hip doctor, who is quite concerned and orders some tests—which one was an MRI machine with contrast dye injected into my hip. I could tell something was obviously really wrong, not just that my hip feels wrong, but how the doctor is acting.
But when I went to the doctor's appointment to get the results, then I was 99% certain, as a nurse comes in, says something about how she is going to tell me the results, so she pulls it up, and then she says something about waiting for the doctor. And I knew right then and there some bad news was listed and she couldn't tell me. And then, not just does my doctor come in, but two other people. Yeahhhh, I'm fucked, aren't I? Yeahhh, I was correct, as they inform me that my labrum, i.e., the joint in my hip, is torn and that I need surgery—not just to fix that, but also the hip dysplasia so it doesn't happen again. And also, while they have me under, they will also work on my femur, as I also have a deformity there. So yeah, maybe it wasn't the start of the Chinese New Year, but the start of the normal new year and going into the Chinese New Year.
Then after that news, a lot of my life flipped upside down. What was supposed to be the last few months of high school for me wasn't like everybody else's. Trying to fake that I'm doing well when in reality I'm not, and the pain and feeling of my hip getting worse to the point I'm doing schooling at home and only focusing on math, as that was the only thing that my school really cared for me to work on while the days towards my surgery started getting closer and closer. During this time, I'm doing a lot of handwriting for math class and working out the idea, layout, design, etc. on paper, plus using a walker started screwing up my already fucked-up wrists more.
To people who don't know, I have, since I started learning to write in kindergarten, had the feeling as if I'm being stabbed in my wrist and a horrible aching feeling. Or how I really like to explain it, which is that it feels like a pencil is noclip-ing in my wrist. But you know, saying that to a doctor, it 100% goes over their head. I have not had one that understood what that sentence means. So in general, I have this feeling from writing and drawing, and kinda around middle school, typing also started causing it if I was really aggressively writing fast. But because of this mix of writing tons of math notes and notes for my website, and learning to non-weight-bear on a walker, my wrists started hurting more. (Remember this information, it becomes important later.)
So my surgery comes, it was a success, and I start the process of recovering. It doesn't stop me from going to my graduation and walking it. But all the walking non-weight-bearing on my walker is starting to screw up my wrists like I said above, and I start limiting or even fully stopping certain things as I'm worried I could permanently damage my wrists, as I don't know, and I value my wrists. Yeah, nothing too much.
Then a lot of things just happened at once. It's a lot and probably will go into more detail later on this website, but it's so much that it needs its whole own blog post, not right here. But pretty much a more of a recap: I leave my abusive mother to be with my boyfriend at the time of 1–2ish years—I don't know, I don't purposely keep track, I got better things to do like living in the moment. But she loses her shit like any crazy, abusive parent does. As how dare I, an 18-year-old who is their own legal guardian, leave her?
So how does she lose her shit? A lot of ways, which I'm not going to get into all of them as it's a whole own story. But one major thing she does is obviously starts lying and doing anything to get control back. Such as calling and lying to Adult Protective Services. And anyone who is knowledgeable knows these protective services really don't fucking do their job properly. Never once was I asked for my side of the story, even though I'm literally the person they are supposed to be protecting. Instead, they completely believe whatever shit my mom lied to them about and were trying to make me go back to her—by the way, remember I'm fucking 18 and my own guardian. Yeah, I don't know what the hell she was lying to them about to get them to act this way, yeah, I'm not even giving the full story of all the shit they tried to do.
But I'm assuming it was something along the lines of over-exaggerating my mental health problems that have been going on the past year, and telling them I have autism and my other disability, which for some fucking reason, the first thing even professionals think is I'm like low-functioning or some shit, and that I don't know what I'm doing and I need to be spoken to in an infantilization way, as like I won't understand them if they don't. Yeah, I don't. If anything, I'm probably smarter than them if they think any disabled person and/or autistic person needs to be spoken to and treated like that.
Yeah, and you want to know the reason why my mental health got so bad? Something just cracked and I finally realized all the abuse and wrong things my mother was doing to me. Maybe not all, as some things I'm still realizing wasn't normal to this day. But pretty much last year, everything shattered, and whatever was originally protecting me from realizing wasn't there anymore. Like, I always knew something was not right, but not like, "Oh shit, this is very wrong." Like, I'm still trying to understand, but she would like love bomb me for a while, then maybe be just normal, and then for a while she'd just be in this bad mood where she would complain to me constantly about anything and trauma dump on me. And if I tried to put boundaries on it, she'd get angry with me saying I do it to her, acting like it's double standards. Like, uhh, I'm your daughter, your duty as a parent is to support me. But I as your daughter, that's not my job, and especially I barely ever complain to her or trauma dump—I went to my therapist, as it's not completely my mom's responsibility, but her duty is supposed to be there for me.
But yeah, she'd complain during these times constantly, and if I wasn't listening, like locking myself in my room, she would make me go somewhere with her so I had to be in her car, or bring me places to eat to complain. And I'm not just saying, "Oh, I think this is the reason"—no, she fully admitted to me she did that because I was always locking myself in my room and she wanted to talk to me. And also remember, I also told her I didn't like this and put boundaries, and she continued and got angry. This wasn't any "Oh, she didn't realize"—oh no, she did and continued. Also during this time of just being in a bad mood, she'd get like really crazy, but it's hard for me to explain as my brain is trauma-blocking, trying not to remember.
But one time that for some reason I can remember—I kinda will recap it quickly—but I was invited to go to a Halloween party. I was really excited to go, etc., but was fine not going because my mom was hurting for money and should focus on that, but also she could have arranged carpooling, etc., but she didn't. She brings me there, and for people who really know me, I don't think you realize I have really bad social anxiety. As I don't seem like it around you guys, since I know you so well I feel confident, but a party where I barely know people? Yeah, nooo.
So I'm in the car having social anxiety. I do want to go, but sitting in the car right outside of it feels really daunting. Like, okay, there's an extent of, "This happened, and I drove all the way here and had expectations that I was going to make money, but scrapped that to bring your daughter to a party." Yeah, being a little upset is fair, but then, you know, nicely encouraging your kid or asking what you could do to help? Nah. She drives down a few blocks and starts yelling and screaming at me—maybe not exactly, as my hearing is stronger, which is why you see me wearing earplugs 24/7—but either way, she is very angry, like she is going to turn red with how upset she is. I can't remember words, but who can even in a normal situation? But if I'm correct, her being upset for wasting her time and how she could be Instacarting and making money, blah blah blah, and I'm in the passenger seat crying because of how she's acting, like I always have done with how she acts in this moment towards me. Probably just going off about something, and I'm just crying more and more until a point where she just starts getting upset with me being upset, which she really usually does, even though I can't remember exact other times, I just know.
I know she says certain things when she's upset with me. I can't remember anything except that she likes to tell me to grow up, which hurts me even more because already she's pushed me to such an extent I'm having a meltdown because of everything, and then being told to grow up because I'm crying just makes me more upset and angry. Like, angry at her, like I know deep down I'm not wrong. But you have to remember, this happened multiple times a month for years—I don't know any better, and the next day she'd be all sorry towards me and try to give me something or do something. But she then will do it again. But yeah, slightly angry at her, but more at myself and being upset, as I don't know why, but my natural response has always been to blame myself when I get to this point in a meltdown, which makes it even harder to stop. And now, it's not just her fueling it with her being upset at me; I'm upset with myself and hate myself, blaming myself for everything, saying things in my head, wishing I wasn't born with autism, etc. Yeah, even though never at all was this my fault.
Yeah, then it gets to a point during this that she's getting so angry at me because I won't calm down while she's upset with me, she gets out of the car and walks slightly away. Which, in this state, I just start blaming myself, hating myself, especially as she comes back like every few minutes now saying things like how I'm stressing her out so much and I'm going to give her an aneurysm, and going off about that. And it just makes me more upset, as now it's another thing to blame myself with, when in reality it is not at all my fault she chose to get this upset over me having social anxiety and saying something along the lines of, "I don't want to go." Then she starts threatening me that she's going to call the cops on me, and never does. And another time, she walks over and starts recording me, telling me how she's going to show my doctor how crazy I'm acting. Which obviously makes me more upset, and she just continues to walk away, then like another 2 minutes comes back and says something mean or does something, walks away, comes back. This goes on for a long time until I somehow start kinda calming down. She continues to still be angry at me, and I'm trying to hold it in as I just want to go home and be in my bedroom.
She starts driving but continues to go off about how much stress I'm causing her and how she's going to have a stroke or a heart attack, but I don't care. Then after driving a while, she just decides to go into like a huge parking lot with retail stores, etc., and she just starts round 2, where she just continues to get upset with more anger at me, going off about how stressed she is and, "Look how red my face is, that's not good, how she's going to have a heart attack, blah blah health, how she's going to end up in the hospital and going to have a stroke, and who's going to take care of her," and going off about how I wouldn't. Yeah, hell ya, you're right. Why the fuck would I want to take care of you when this is how you treat me? Yeah, blah blah, her going off, but I especially remember while sitting in the car while she was angry at me, seeing someone having a birthday in the restaurant and thinking someone could be having the best day of their life and doesn't realize someone not that far from them is having the worst day ever.
After a long while of her being upset with me and me barely holding in my tears, she finally takes me home. I can't remember, but she probably the next day apologized and I apologized, and this loop continues. I don't know why I really only specifically remember this; there are other times where I remember pieces of it, but my brain tries to forget it. She was like doing this shit to me on like many times a month, like my whole life. And she pretty much follows the same pattern, if I'm correct on remembering. (Like, I don't have a clear memory remembering, yet I just also know certain things, I don't know how to explain it.)
But she usually would start with getting upset with me because of some very simple thing—like her getting upset this time because I was having social anxiety and said I didn't want to go inside. If that didn't happen, it was because I was having a meltdown because of something else, and then she'd just be upset with me. And then she would walk away, and then come back and say some stuff that would trigger me, like trying to egg me on, walk away and come back, and do this over and over in a few minutes' period. Then later in life, did the "her getting upset with me because she's so stressed because of me and she's going to have an aneurysm, heart attack, stroke, etc." Then usually it'd be over, then the next day apologize, try to make up to me. Then rinse, dry, and repeat. I truly don't know what her problem is. It's some sort of mental illness, I just don't know. But there have been a few times she's been called out by others and her excuse is she is also autistic. OKAY, AND?! That would give me no right as an autistic person to act the way she does.
But I'm sharing all of this as this blog post is a mix of explaining why my life's been crazy this year—which is why I haven't gotten to finishing this website—and being kinda a message to people that know me that could be reading this that yes, I'm doing well, yes, I'm safe, and this is what I've been dealing with. Especially with all the lies my mom has been spreading about me and my husband. As I know some of my teachers may be reading this page and probably saw that post my mom put onto the school Facebook page after I graduated, going off about lies about how my husband is sex trafficking me or some shit along those lines. I never saw the post with my own two eyes, I was just informed by a friend. But yeah, I don't even know what to say at this point, it's just embarrassing. In no way does it harm my husband, as she couldn't give information as to who he is, but she for sure embarrassed me. Like, I don't even want to accidentally run into any of you teachers as, yeahhh, "Sorry my mom is so mentally unstable, said all that stuff, and made you question my character and if I would be so stupid to fall for such a thing."
And with other friends of mine, when it all happened, I knew some people messaged me with all very similar messages, something along the lines of, "Are you okay?" and trying to get me to hang out. And to be honest, it sounded like a trap. As I didn't really get into it, as it's a whole huge story of its own, but the Adult Protective Services person was like doing illegal shit. Also, I don't want to get into detail as I may file something, and I don't think having it written online really helps me in court. But this person was doing some shit and was like trying to help my mom get an emergency guardianship on me, and I didn't know what the hell they were doing. So when I got these same messages, I don't know—are they trying to get information out of me on where I am, etc., to tell them? Are they trying to ambush me if I was to meet these friends to start interrogating me again? I don't know. So I just never responded. It's not like these people ever messaged me again anyways. I don't know if they were just asking for some reason and didn't care after that, or what. But I told some friends what happened and that I was okay, ones that I trusted. But yeah, and especially haven't really talked to anyone or cleared this up because it just sounds exhausting. "Oh yeah, now I need to like prove that I'm okay, and if I do it wrong, they are going to be suspicious of me and my husband." And to prove myself, I have to bring up my trauma over and over again. Yeah, I just didn't care, better to focus on other things. I'm hoping to get in contact with some friends as everything seems sorted, and I'm happy I went into more detail than I was planning with this post, as I can just easily send this as my explanation and that be it. As technically, I'm not obligated to re-explain my trauma over and over again. Especially as anyone who knows me should know I'm not a person to fall for any predator thing, etc., whatever my mom's been lying about. And if I somehow did, people should know my character and that I would get help if it was the case. Like, the last time I'm going to say this: I'm safe.
If anything, I'm doing very well, as for people who didn't figure it out yet, I got married, moved in with my husband, and got a fur baby. Every day I wake up now and do not get a person who is upset with me and angry about something from the other day, and must argue about it first thing in the morning. Instead, I have a loving husband who greets me in the morning, and we prepare something and sit down to watch some TV. And not every second of the day has to be sound—better speaking, how I didn't realize the silence I have been robbed of being in an abusive household. I have nothing really else to say, just been getting my life in order, trying to hang out with people, join some organizations to put some more meaning into life, and who knows what else life brings at me. If anyone wants to contact me, do so at (ge.iko3iko@gmail.com), but I'm not in the mood to talk about the trauma. I would like to move on, and maybe at some point will bring it up again. Now, have a good day or evening.
Also, to answer the question that I got sidetracked on, which is why I haven't gotten to finishing the website: A lot of it has been dealing with everything else, but especially and mainly after the surgery, my wrists got so bad and I didn't want to mess them up, so I haven't tried typing. But I got some splints and will try it out. Right now, I'm writing this all on my phone, just going to copy and paste. But pretty much the whole design, layout, etc. is done. I was trying to type out the steps on how exactly I should start the coding and making stuff to deal with the least amount of bugs, then haven't done anything more than that. I'm probably going to upload this and then in like a week or so explain some of the idea, layout, sneak peek, etc. So keep your eyes out for that!